Hello. I am Mary. Welcome to my Blog. (not journal) If you don't like what I have to say, then leave. I'm sorry if I offend you, I write a lot of this shit when I'm mad... So I prolly dont REALLY mean it. I say what I mean. I say what I don't mean. I'm not always nice. I'm human.

I always wear my bracelett from Las Vegas.
I'm obsessed with my dog. <333
I care about you more than you think.
Everyone hates my ringtone because it's always going off.
But I love it.

I love my backpack more than anything <3
I stay up all night and wake sometime during the afternoon.
I get bored easy....VERY EASY
I go through guys like seasons because generally speaking- they can't entertain me long enough.
I do not wanna be tied down just yet.
I know a lot of random facts...and how to do a lot of random things.
I crip walk.
I am very good at teaching people how to do "stuff" ;)
I'm shy.
I HATE eskimo boots with a fiery passion.
It's impossible for a guy to threaten me with mentioning another girl.
Sorry, I just don't care.

I think, a lot.
I paint, I draw.

I have no secrets.
Okay, maybe a few. ;)

I have a knack for getting Pink Eye.
I snowboard.
I dance.
I'm very open minded.
I love sex.

I'm very blunt & Brutally honest. Some people can't handle that...
But if you appreciate the truth. You'll appreciate me. :)

I hate when people can't spell...like, at all.

I will do just about anything if it makes someone I care about laugh.

I don't like boys.
Don't tell me you know more about Tupac or Biggie than me.
Because you don't and I'll just make you look stupid in front of everyone.
I'm finally leaving Buffalo.


I really DON'T CARE what you think if you don't know me well... or if I don't like you.

Chances are you think you know...But you don't.

I'm fiesty.
I'm badass.
Don't fuck with me or people I care about.
I will make you pay for it if you do.
I smile...a lot.
I throw up gang signs.
I'm a G. ;)
I shop like it's my job.
I'll prolly lie to you if you ask me how many people I've slept with.



Yes, I drink.
Yes, I smoke.
Fuck you, Judge me.

I have a lot of health problems.
But I don't care.
I overthink everything...
EVERYTHING.
I believe in second chances.
I'm too hard to define because I'm changing with every day.
My shampoo is SEX
I'm too sensitive...
but I'm working on that.


I don't find manwhores attractive...at all.

I work hard in school.
I party hard.
I won't tell you I care about you unless I mean it.
You'll know if you're a special person to me.
If I hooked up with a guy you like, and you try to give me shit about it.
You might wanna think twice. I'll do it again, just to spite you. ;)
I bartend.
I can manipulate myself into caring about someone.
I can manipulate my memory into almost forgetting everything about someone and detaching any kind of feeling associated with them.

I love the beach.
I love seeing you smile.
I kinda love snuggling.
I bite ;) sorry.
I people watch..LIKe CrAzY.
I'm far from a whore.
I HATE cheese.
If you call me out on something, I might deny it.
I don't like fighting.
I'm curious.
I don't believe in regrets.
I want to change the world as much as possible.
I love snow.
I don't care if you don't.

832- we's rockstars.


If you think I want to fuck you,

Chances are... I don't.


I have amazing/diverse taste in music.
And someone you know prolly has a cd I put together.
I don't care if you play football, or if you drive a nice car or if you have a huge dick.
I've seen it all.

Try to impress me.

I fall hard ;)
Although, I hardly ever fall.
I miss Rob.
I miss "her" too.
My car smells orgasmic.
and it's got the coolest hangy things on the antenna.
I go to UB.
But not for long. :))
I have blue eyes
I have cancer, it sucks. And it's made me grow up really fast.
I don't like telling people the same thing twice. Learn to listen

I show respect for others until they give me a reason not to.
I love to drink juice.








"Yeah, A-town's finest
I'm the top notch glammour chick
Tell me, If I throw it at you baby... can you handle it??"




I'm getting sick of talkin about myself.
Just ask ;)
I'm pretttyyy much an open book, so anything goes. :D

Today I found out I had cancer.
For the first time since I've been sick,
I felt scared.

I wanted to cry.
But all of the sudden I forgot how.
Everything the doctor said after that word....I couldn't even hear.
I saw his lips move, but I couldn't hear a thing.

Just like...a piercing ring in my ear.

I nod my head in agreement with whatever he says.
I pretend to understand his words
I pretend I'm someone else.
That I'm not the person in the room with it.

What is going to happen? What about school? What about Colorado? How big will my scar be? How will I remember to take all those pills? Um how much weight am I going to gain when I go off the hormones? How long before I know if all the other lumps are cancerous? What the fuck? What are the chances of this ruining my vocal chords?

I run numbers, statistics, then it's like...my brain just gives up.
I just sit there.

Cold again.

For whatever reason, I think about this one time when I was little and my pet rabbit died. I just watched it sit there. dying. Granted, I'm not dying. But that's all I could picture the entire time I sat in the chair. The rabbit, and his beady eyes.

Lol, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Cancer...apparentlyyyy.

I try to laugh about it, to make everyone else in the room more comfortable. I don't know why I always feel the need to make everyone else at ease.

He says, "How about tomorrow."

"hahhah, I don't think so man."

Then I realize he's not kidding. He REALLY wants to operate less than 48 hours..

"No, no way" I say.

"But Mary, the longer you..."

"Mom, I'm just not ready and your pressuring me, okay? Just please stop."


I txt KT. I mean, when you think about it, she's the only one worth telling.
Tyler txts me while I'm in the office (in his usual pestering fashion) because I hadn't answered any of his calls that morning.
He tells me about stupid shit going on in his completely trivial life. Almost ignoring the fact I just told him I have cancer. But for once, I like it. I enjoy his ignorance. That may be pretty fucked up. But I need the distraction.

I tell Steven.
But after awhile. I hear nothing back from him. Funny, in a situation like this I'd expect him to be by my side above the rest. ...But he just falls back asleep.

I know I couldn't do that if it was the other way around.

But fuck him, like whatever. I'm glad I know who's there for me.

Tyler keeps talking about stupid shit like how he wants to fuck me. Blah Blah Blah @#$@#$@ But FOR ONCE I actually welcome his complete self involvement. It's nice. Something else to think about. He says something about us dating again, and even though I still hate his guts...I flirt with the idea for a little bit.

Didn't give him an answer though.

So I guess I haven't gone completely crazy yet.

We go to lunch and the entire time my 2way is blasting with calls.
My mom takes the family ones- I send the rest to voice mail.

I just don't feel like talking on the phone.

I mean really...how would a convo like that go?

"Hey Mary! Whats up?"

"Not much, I have cancer."

Yeahhh...not exactly the kinda shit ppl wanna hear.

All I can think about is "I'm 18 years old and I have cancer riddled throughout my throat. Like WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?"

I can't help it.
But I keep thinking of that rabbit.


Then like, every single person I look at...I wonder....Do they have cancer?

Kinda fucked up to think that.
But hey, I'm odd.

Steven calls.

FUck You.
!@$##$@

too late. Tyler actually beat you to the punch for once. Yeah, self involved pretty boy Tyler performed better than you did today.

Nice Job.

I call the hospital several times to get my prep work in order.

The paper says you can't drink a week prior to surgery. I look at the nurse and point to the paper. I'm just like "ummm..well" She says I should be fine.

Then she asks me if I've smoked in the last week. I didn't answer.

If she only had the slightest idea of how I spent New Years.

Its 5:00 now.
And I'm finally home from the doctors.
I'll prolly go out for my last dinner cuz I cant eat for several hours.
After surgery I'll be eating mush for weeks.
I'll have a pretty impressive scar.
I'll gain weight when I go off the hormones.
Then lose it and more.
If my vocal chords get fucked in surgery, my voice will be retarted for awhile.
I might have to go into radiation therapy after that
If the lump under my ear is cancer too, I'll have another surgery for that.
During my surgery tomorrow they will take out the lumps that they can reach to test.

I'm scared.

My surgery is tomorrow.
I'll have to get up at like 7, but it starts at 10.
I'm scared.
Not to mention...this could very well be one of many surgeries/procedures.

I know I didn't go into a lot of depth on what's going on medically.
So sorry bout that...

Basically,

I'M
FUCKED
UP.

:)

I ain't religious.
But, Pray I guess.


:)

PS: I'm not mad at Steven anymore.
I can't stay mad at someone that adorable for very long. :)

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